I have a lot I want to say, but I often don't know where to start, so I don't say anything at all. But maybe saying nothing, says it all?
There are places I go when I'm feeling lost...
when I'm all alone,
when I'm in a crowded room,
when I'm talking just to you...
There I am
Talking words, but thinking in paragraphs.
Lifetimes pass, storylines progress,
but there I am...
Stuck in a field of wonder and sorrow,
a trilogy of what my life could be,
but I'm stuck, while it seems everyone moves on.
I'm constantly wondering what's right for me. Who's the right person? What's the right life? And then I go back to JT's new song: maybe I'm looking for something I can't have....
A few months back, right after graduation, my grandfather came up to me, somehow knowing before I did: "It's such a hard time, your early twenties. I know it's hard, but when the going get's tough, grab the rope, tie a not, and hold on tight." In the moment I found his statement bizarre, I thought "I feel fine, how dare he assume that I'm anything but, or to even suggest that I should feel that way!" I let the moment pass, until recently when it hit me, how right he was.
After graduation the world opens up, all of a sudden I realize I have all of these options, all sorts of ways to fill my time, with little to no structure. How do you go from structured days of school and homework and school and hobbies and friends to nothing at all? It's hard. I constantly hear that I'm so brave for taking on the world before going to graduate school, that I have my whole life ahead of me, that this is the time to have fun, that I should be carefree. While I understand that the people saying these things are trying to help, I wonder if they realize they're telling me that in a way, I'm not valuable right now; that wanting my life to something more than just fun is something I can't have.
I crave meaningful relationships, a career I'm passionate about, a job I can't wait to get to, a place I'm valued, a place I'm needed, an adventure and a home, and most importantly, for my life to start. But I'm stuck - I'm stuck in this limbo land called my twenties, where I should be having fun, choosing nights out over responsibility, flings and hookups over relationships, lust over love, and underemployment over a career. I know what I want and where I want to go, "And in my heart somewhere, I wanna go there, still I don't go there."
I know what I want, and yet I don't do enough to get there. I'm paralyzed by the many things I want, and the fear of getting exactly what I want - what if I'm just as miserable? What if I absolutely love it? Do I deserve to have it all? If I were speaking to my best friend, I'd say "of course, you idiot!"
Today I choose to practice being authentic, and living my life in the direction I want it to go, maybe it's not "in fashion" but it's what I need. For those of you also struggling with the post-graduate feels, just know you're not alone. Remember that you deserve it all, and more. Work hard, and then work harder. You know what you want, just listen to what your mind and heart tell you. Commit to what you want, and give yourself the opportunity to actually achieve it. You have your whole life ahead of you, but you can also choose to live it now.